pretty in purple

03:38 pm: fucking update
I am angry at my housemates right now because they have decided that they want to exclude me from their fun. Or maybe it's just that I know that their fun always includes their fucking boyfriends and makes me feel like shit. And I feel lonely anyway so it's not like I need their help. They also don't eat. And it makes me feel like a fat ass for eating meals regularly instead of just skipping for no reason. Damnit, it's the fucking time of the year for everyone to tell me I'm fat.

Can't decide if I want to go to soccer today in an hour. Really still feeling sick from this weekend but maybe I should go. I hope that the cold weather won't kill me first.

Liking a boy sucks. I should never have admitted to myself that I like him. Now I can't decide if it's better to hang out with him or avoid him. On the one hand it would be nice if he noticed that I wasn't around and maybe called me for once. Yet, something tells me that just will not happen. There are very few times when people actually invite me to things. I'm getting tired of inviting myself. I'm getting the inkling that 1) people may injoy my company but 2) they don't enjoy it enough to remember to call me sometimes. Although Lani said that I am welcome at her house any time - surprising how nice it feels to hear that.

I fluctuate between hating social situations and craving them, hating boys and missing them, hating fat and starving, and being sick and being healthy. Being happy and content (which I have generally been lately despite how this posting sounds) or being depressed. I wish I could make up my mind

04:30 pm: bad news today
He told me I'm fat. He told me that he's not attracted to me because I'm fat. He said that I really need to work hard to lose some weight - exercise 5 times a week, for 45 min and doing some weight lifting.

I guess that's what happens when I invest time into someone. They find my faults.

12:05 am: Medical School
Who would have known that applying for medical school would be so dramatic. I've gotten into a million fights with my parents already, cried for a couple hours in bed, changed my mind and then changed it again. Soul searching is really hard when you barely know yourself. And yet I feel like I've grown so much this summer. I feel much more comfortable in social situations here and I've been having fun and finding funny things to say...or anything to say for that matter. Does that make me more attractive? Well, I suppose that it does because everyone like a smiling face over one in tears - although the past couple of days I've been doing a good job of playing both parts. Who would have ever guessed that senior year would have started this way.

p.s. people are awesome, co-ops rule, couples suck, these shoes suck, these shoes rule.

p.p.s. viola lessons are looking up for this year already :-)

12:04 pm: watch?
I'm going to be taking the MCAT this weekend, and I was wondering if I could borrow a very reliable wrist watch from someone. I have been using my cell phone for doing the timing on the practice tests, but I'm positive that they won't allow it in the official MCAT (I mean, they don't even allow calculators). I'm probably going to be messing with the time on the watch, so I would ideally like one that is really easy to use. Anyway, I would just need it for Saturday from 8 am until about 1 pm.

p.s. I'M SO STRESSSED OUT RIGHT NOW!

01:51 am: poll
Kathleen is intending on dying her hair very soon. What color? That is up to you! Possible dyes include pink, red, purple, and teal. Other colors could be available too. What does everyone think? Please, I need suggestions! "I'm only an elected official, I can't make decisions on my own!"

11:18 am: spring break
It's interesting to be back in Chicago when I don't actually live here anymore. My parents are in North Carolina, but nobody has bought the house in Chicago yet. Dave and I have been kinda living there in the evenings because I still have a key and he doesn't like his parents. It's nice, but weird. When I was there by myself doing laundry I got really scared. It's a big house for only one person.

This weekend we went up to Dave's friend Colin's beach house in Indiana. Colin brought his boyfriend who I really liked because he's much more responsible than Colin and more calm/mature than Colin. There were lots of substances and alcohol and I feel like Dave and I had a really intense bonding experience. It's nice to be feeling and seeing things the same way as someone, to be in a point where you trust them totally and can really connect.

Then we come back into the real world and he still has to go to work and I still have to study for the MCAT and everything must continue as if the weekend didn't happen. It's frustrating and disappointing. We stayed up late talking Friday night and now I need to think of things to talk to him about. I want to ask him stuff about himself but I don't want it to sound stupid.

I'm really happy to be here, but I'm also homeless. I can't be in my old house during the day because there are people coming by too look at it and possibly buy it. I can't stay at Dave's house because his parents (for some reason) don't want me there when Dave isn't there. The evenings aren't so bad because both places are available, but during the day all my stuff is in Dave's car. It's really wierd.

01:22 am: I'm frustrated
I am entirely convinced that nobody on this damn campus wants to have sex with me.

11:13 pm: this is going to be another random post
1) I feel like I really am a bitch sometimes and I don't really know what makes me do it.

2) At home and during my previous years at Oberlin I've never had people tell me to stop practicing. My parents don't even care if I'm practicing really late because they sleep pretty deeply I guess. For some reason, it really pisses me off when people tell me to stop practicing. This has happened more than once, and each time it has put me in a foul mood. I guess I sorta thought that having my own room would mean I could practice whenever I wanted, but I guess this is not the case. My priorities are not as important as other people's.

3) I really like hanging out with Mia and Lindsay. They really like having me sleep over at their house, they want to integrate me into their group of friends. They make me feel like I'm important and that I would be missed if I wasn't there. I like to feel like I matter to people.

4) I've been so busy the past couple of days that I haven't gotten a chance to miss Dave. I thought about this today, and it made me miss him. But otherwise, I feel like I have been doing much better being alone and away from him. We love each other, so what does it matter if we don't see each other all the time? I guess I should read this later when I'm really missing him.

5) I really like this Amelie journal collage thing. It makes me really happy to do it. I also really like making a mess in my room of papers and art scraps and etc. I also like looking for good quote to put in the pages. If anyone has any, please don't hesitate to post them in a comment!!

6) There is a weird "crush triangle" going on. I'm confused about the whole thing. I feel like I should just stay out of all of it. I'm not really interested in getting involved with anyone anyway, I'm just interested in occational sex or cuddling. I should let other people have the opportunity. I really don't know what I'm talking about here, so I should just move on.

7) Ex-boyfriends?? Confused about them as well. Need to return some stuff to them... get ready for some awkward!

8) Feeling better about talking in a group. I thought of a couple pretty funny things to say today, and then the rest of the time I was quiet. I guess that's better than nothing. Still feeling like I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation in a social area, but maybe I think of something interesting to say soon... any ideas internet??

9) I got an interview for one of my internships - meaning to me that I made it past the first round of selections. Yay! Maybe there is luck for me after all?

10) Parents bought a house in NC and are begining to move there. Not a fan of the idea at all. It makes me really sad to think that I'm no longer going to be living in my house in Chicago. My "permanent residence" will be in NC. There is nobody there that I know, I don't know where anything is, and I don't know what there is to do. There are so many more options in Chicago...

11:44 pm: 10 more days
Just saw the last episode of Standing in Stillwater. Great ending, pretty much nothing was resolved. It was amazing. Now hopefully I can start working, except I'm spending my time tonight doing quite the opposite.

I find myself flirting with people that I know that I shouldn't be flirting with. I think I'm just making things worse. Soon I'll be home and in the arms of the man that I love and none of this will matter anymore. So why not have a little fun before I leave? Oh yeah, finals...

I feel really fat. Unfortunately, he doesn't like the belly fat thing. I'm just going to have to work it off, or starve it off. Who knows? Oh yeah, destructive behavior is a bad thing, I remember now.

10 more days...they couldn't be over soon enough.

09:22 pm: Phone
So I wasn't really paying attention and I put my phone through the washing machine. Now it is a very unhappy phone. As a result, you will not be able to call me and I will not be able to call you. My house phone is 63451 if you want to use that for when I'm at the house, although I don't know how often I will be. I suppose you can email me.

08:48 pm: Tomorrow and Thursday
Tomorrow I intend on finishing up my homework, baking something yummy for Lani's birthday, and redying my hair. Any last minute suggestions are welcome - the colors that I currently own are purple, blue, teal, pink and red.

Thursday I really want to go to the sco. They are having a techno music night and although I don't really like techno music it's really fun to dance to. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone else that is willing to go, and I don't know if I have the courage to go by myself. Does anyone want to go with me?

10:38 pm: feeling unproductive
I'm having all sorts of weird thoughts these days. I have so much stuff to do, and yet I don't really feel like doing any of it. I'm having boy problems but whenever I talk to someone about it, they don't seem to have anything good to say. I have all of these mini-crushes that I know will not lead to anything, and that makes me sorta sad. Maybe I'm too dependent, and I need to think about that kind of stuff less. I also need to cheer up and stop being so tired all the damn time. I really just want these last 3 weeks to be over and so then I can go home and not worry about these dumb things. I need to get some direction and stop wandering. I should just go on instinct maybe?

I'm seriously thinking of dying my hair. I want to surprise people when I come home, so I want it to look really good. I also want it to be unique of the people with dyed hair population. I've been seeing a lot of purples/pinks around, so maybe not that even though it's my favorite end of the spectrum. I was thinking maybe purple and blue? Sorta like I did before?

05:18 am: another meaningless post
I've had a really weird week followed by a depressing weekend and the result is me awake at 5 am. What happened?

I guess that in my last post, the wrong person got the idea into his head that I was talking about having a crush on him. This led to some interesting conversations that made me feel awful. This makes me really not want to post things like that again, and was a reason why I stopped posting for a while earlier. Fortunately the right person has not read the post and hopefully the matter will settle itself.

I got with this guy after a party who smokes like a chimney and makes my bed smell like cigarettes everytime he visits. It's really nice to talk to him, he doesn't mind answering random questions or having meaningful conversations. I feel like I can't really have meaningful conversations with most people, either because I'm too shy or we have so little actually in common that the shallow things are the only ones we can discuss. I told him about my open relationship since my roommates gave me a hard time about that before and he's ok with it. I just hope that we don't get too committed when I really can't do that.

This weekend I've stayed in and done homework. Unfortunately no practicing of viola. Ellie and Lani are sick. Weird conversations with Mike about his party and why I didn't go friday night. Today I was not feeling so good after going to the gym because I could barely do my normal workout. Then as I was feeling sorta fat I ate lots of food at dinner. Rachel made fun of me or implied I was a slut because I've had sex with more people than her - or maybe she didn't, I'm still not sure - and it really hurt my feelings and I ran away to cry in my room. This led me to falling asleep at 8:30 and waking up at 12 midnight. Ellie somehow did not get invited to her boyfriend's party and so I forced her to go for a half hour. Jeff came up to me at the party and gave me a hug and told me that I wasn't fat or ugly (because I was complaining about that earlier to him) and it made me feel weird. I was in a weird mood anyway that happens to me when I take odd naps.

Megan told me about her boy troubles and I started talking about mine. She said that I should tell Dave that he should come visit again because she liked him and thought he was fun. I proceded to call him and tell him this while she was there. He was at a dance club with some girls for his friend's birthday. He told me that he loved me and that he missed me and was really excited to see me when I came home. Now, this openness can most likely be attributed to alcohol, but it really cheered me up. Maybe he'll come visit me again, but at least I'll be seeing him on Wednesday, if I survive until then.

I have so much to do before I leave and I'm not sure how much of it will actually get done. I'm worried already.

Hopefully this won't distract me: www.killsometime.com

04:40 pm: nothing much
I went into town today to buy some odds and ends and I saw TWO albino squirrels. They were really cute together.

I had a little mini breakdown this weekend, but I think I'm doing better now. I just need to get my stuff in order and my mind in order.

I have developed a little bit of a crush on someone that I'm REALLY not supposed to be crushing on. It's really VERY VERY bad if anything were to happen... I'll just talk to Dave and try to keep my mind off it.

11:09 am: stolen from Megan
Google it : your name + needs. ex: I typed "Kathleen needs" then you list ten of the results.

1 Kathleen needs help with Food, T-Shirts and Sponsors
2 Kathleen needs your name, address & phone number
3 Kathleen NEEDS A NEW POWERCHAIR
4 Kathleen needs to chill out
5 Kathleen needs to make sure she stays away from Civil War era parks
6 Kathleen needs to leave Tennessee
7 Kathleen needs blood
8 Kathleen needs an abortion because she got drunk and pulled A train on 27 truckers
9 Kathleen needs help from Washington insiders
10 Kathleen needs to have more fun? No shit, Sherlock

Wow, I'm awesome. I really like all of these.

12:26 am: confused
I'm confused about a lot of stuff right now. It's distracting me. I'm worried. I really wish that I understood what was going on and what I was thinking. I'm trying to calm myself down and stop worrying about it and get to the school stuff that I have to do, but even that is getting harder and harder to do as it gets later. Today was a long day and I can't look back and say that I actually accomplished anything. I am really scared.

I feel like I am the most mature person sometimes. Like the people around me are so used to people cleaning up after them and even though that happened to me when I was growing up, I'm ready to move on from it. I'm ready to live away from my parents and be responsible for my mess and food and my academics all at the same time. I like being financially more independent, not always calling home to ask for money here and there.


It's interesting because I feel really stable for the first time in a long time. I feel like I can deal with stuff that happens. And then today, I feel so confused about the stuff that I used to be sure about.

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, relax.

Open your eyes, start again...this time forwards.

12:55 am: yay!!
I'm not an asshole!!!




(Or at least I'm pretty sure that I'm not)





...somebody said he loves me...

12:27 am: about myself...like every good livejournal entry
So Dave gave me a mix cd and I finally figured out how to put it onto my computer and then my ipod. So as a result I was dancing around the house and cleaning today with my headphones on and the volume turned way up. Two of my roommates snuck up on me and scared the bejeezus out of me. At least they thought it was funny.


I've been easily startled lately, I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I'm just normally startled but people realize that I make a big scream when they surprise me and find it amusing so try to scare me more often. Or maybe I'm just too involved in my own little world of my mind interspersed with music...



Yay for being the designated recycling bitch for the house! I know, I'm lame, but I really like recycling things. I can't stand to see empty cereal boxes in the garbage or glass beer bottles or soda cans... I must really be weird.

On another note, one of my roommates didn't even know that I was sick. So much for being involved with the lives of the people in our house. I guess she didn't feel my fever or see all the extra sleeping that I have been doing. And yet I feel like maybe people just don't pay attention to me...

04:48 pm: I worry
Will he find someone and forget me?

I feel incredibly guilty for doing something that I am allowed to do, I don't think I'm ready for this at all.

04:42 pm: suggestions
I have to redye my hair again, and I'm taking suggestions from you people out there. I was thinking of going back to a natural brown or natural red. But then I was also thinking of maybe blue and teal or blue and pink and purple (sorta like my icon). I can't decide! I already have purchased/left over red, pink, purple, blue, and teal dye. And no, I'm not going to do a rainbow. Please! Any suggestions??